Originally written February 5, 2008...
Today was a rough day. I had everyone throwing up on me...punching me with emotions and feelings in full force. I smiled. I hinted. I gave advice or opinions. It was free...but not for me. I sucked it up...drew it in...did what I was supposed to do. As I was driving back, I found myself alone and screaming. It was primal. It was punk. It hurt. I hurt. I always hurt.
I looked forward to coming home for a minute...then, I remembered. Isn't home supposed to be where the heart is? I'm not sure where my heart is right now. It must be running around loose...without a leash...under the layers of dirt and dust and hair. I know it's here, somewhere.
I blew in the door. No one stirred. No one spoke. No matter...just junk piled up in every corner...just muck from the soles of dirty sneakers...babble...babel. I wondered why the air was heavy. I realized only my air suffocated me. I wondered who had chosen to watch the movie I wanted to see. I would have waited. After all, aren't some of us preoccupied with shrines of dead people we never really knew?
The filth struck a chord. The movie trumpeted the death march. The final bellow came with cupid spitting in my face. Your M.O....modis operandi. Why is there always more icing? You do like that shit, don't you? And with the frosting came the bars...and distance grew. I went to sleep...only after realizing I wasn't jealous, just hurt. I hurt. I always hurt.
Sometimes I hurt because I love the Gingerbread Man. Just when I think I have his foot in my mouth, he runs away...as fast as he can. And I'm left with a subtle taste of him...and cinnamon memories from a Christmas past. I'm used to that. It's our dance. Though, I thought...I hoped it would be different this time...more of a tango...or lambada of the souls. There's never enough space for us to truly dance, is there?
So, I went to sleep. I awoke within the hollow protection of my shell. I always forget your words are shell crackers. You have a way...your way of breath. You breathe and I crack. I told you I love you. You sucked in my hair. You reminded me of simile and double E's...and how Love doesn't have to be a four-letter word. I reminded you I am a woman...at least for today. I'm a woman...vulnerable...broken...dreaming of weaving roots with you.
